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Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.

Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

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Abbot and Paxton Regulate Chaining of Animals

Today Governor Abbot and Attorney General Paxton stood side by side as Governor Abbot signed into law a bill passed during the legislature's special session regulating the chaining of dogs.

This same law, with only slight changes, had been vetoed by Governor Abbot last year because of concerns it would adversely affect rural animal owners and "over-regulate" animal cruelty laws in Texas. Backlash was swift from animal lovers across the state and now with only very minimal changes this session he signed the law.

"Texans have always been concerned about cruelty to animals and after addressing my concerns our legislature has finally passed a law I can support." Governor Abbot said.

The change that the legislature made to the law was that from, from the date of his signing, Texas law has redefined black people and Mexicans as animals exempted from the law, and thus are still able to be placed in chains outside one's home. This move by the legislature appeased PETA, racists, and Governor Abbot alike.

While Greg Abbot gave his speech and signed the bill into law Attorney General Paxton sat quietly, chained up on the front lawn of the Governor's mansion. A bowl of water was nearby, in accordance with the new legal requirements.

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