top of page


Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.

Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

Post: Text

Abbot Dedicates Texas Statue of Liberty

Today Governor Greg Abbot dedicated a new Texan version of the Statue of Liberty- which he calls the Texas Statue of Freedom. It sits astride the Rio Grande river, near Brownsville. The statue is a 250 foot high man, holding aloft an AR-15, sculpted entirely in white marble and filigreed with gold.

At the dedication Governor Abbot spoke eloquently.

"Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... That's a load of bullshit. Texas wants your Elon, your Bezos, your old white billionaires yearning to be free of the average 8% taxation forced on them in other states. We don't need someone who can come here and make something from nothing. We need people who already have everything to just bring it here and make even more."

"The white marble of this statue represents the whiteness, the purity of our virtues. The AR-15, the weapon of our victory over the brown Mexicans at the Alamo, where Randy Travis fought so bravely." he said.

"The best part of all is that this was paid for entirely through the infrastructure bill Biden just passed."

Upon looking around at the faces in the crowd, he remarked :Too much brown down here- I think we need to rename this Whitesville."

3 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Today Attorney General of the United States Merrick Garland sued Texas over new maps drawn up during it's latest round of redistricting. "The new maps drawn up by Texas violate the Voting Rights Act a

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R) entered the race for Texas Attorney General Monday. "I am running for Attorney General to restore the rule of law in Texas." he said, as he held up a small Bible. "This is the

This past week Rep Ryan Guillen, formerly a Democrat in the Texas state legislature, switched allegiances to the Republican party. "I have always known that I was a Republican from a young age. I used