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Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.

Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

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Governor celebrates Dia de los Muertos

Monday Governor Greg Abbot and Attorney General Ken Paxton celebrated the Mexican holiday Dia de los Muertos in the Governor's mansion. The holiday, celebrated in Mexico, commemorates the family relationship with those who have passed on and encourages remembrance.

This celebration was strikingly different than most, however.

No Hispanics were present, or apparently even invited. Atty. Gen. Paxton said "They're not allowed in the Governor's mansion. They're all outside mowing the lawn, anyway. We do have some cold Corona- that's about the closest thing to a Mexican you'll see near Governor Abbot."

Governor Abbot and Ken Paxton walked slowly down a walkway lined with old white men holding Tiki torches, to shouts of "Mexicans will not replace us!"

Ken Paxton left a small portrait of Adolf Hitler on the ofrenza, whike quietly sobbing "Mein Fuhrer, mein Fuhrer..."

Governor Abbot left a portrait of his shriveled up penis and his legs, which both died some time ago in a tragic accident. Before turning his wheelchair around, he said "At least I can still fuck Texans. Now let's go get a cold Corona, Ken."

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