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Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.

Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

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Greg Abbot implicated in Child Cannibalism

People are now saying that Greg Abbot is implicated in a child sex trafficking and cannibalism ring.

People are reporting that the Houston Police Department has raided a house being used as a base of operations for this ring. 7 children were found inside ranging from 3 to 9 years old. They were chained in a basement with the first floor of the building housing a satanic ceremonial church and the second floor of the building housing a makeshift labarotory.

In this laboratory the dismembered body of an infant was found with it's spinal cord tissue removed. The laboratory equipment indicated that it had been used to extract stem cells from the spinal cord of the infant, people say. This might have been used to regrow spinal tissue in someone with a cord injury.

The house was registered as having been sold recently to Ken Paxton and listed Dan Patrick as his domestic partner on the deed, people say. A wheelchair was found in the residence with a sticker on it which said "Property of Greg Abbot", people say.

Today Governor Abbot announced at a press conference that his paralysis of over 20 years had miraculously resolved and he is now able to walk again.

Ken Paxton also announced his office was taking over any investigation and then an hour later had another press conference where it was announced the investigation was closed. Various black people were were charged and would be found guilty, he announced.

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