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Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.

Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

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Louie Gohmert Enters Race for Attorney General

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R) entered the race for Texas Attorney General Monday. "I am running for Attorney General to restore the rule of law in Texas." he said, as he held up a small Bible. "This is the law of the land in Texas, and I will enforce it." Of note, the Bible he held up was a small picture book widely disseminated in Republican circles which had all the big words taken out, such as love, compassion, and Jesus.

He had previously announced that he would run for Attorney General if he could raise at least one million dollars during a ten day period leading up to his announcement. When asked how much money he raised he said "I don't know exactly- I've only got 10 fingers, and so I can't really count higher than that." It should also be noted that he has only about 10 teeth, as evidenced by an interview he gave 2 years ago during which one of his teeth fell out.

Also, Rep. Matt Krause announced that he was terminating his run for Attorney General. During his announcement he said "I just don't know how you compete with Gohmert in Texas. He's just so fucking stupid that he's just bound to be our next Attorney General. And he held up a picture Bible."

He will face up against Attorney General Ken Paxton, who said in response to Gohmert's announcement "I welcome the competition. I have been paid handsomely to run by Texas businesses and will continue to represent them in the Government. Sorry, I have to go now, I'm late for a date with my mistress. Don't tell my wife."

There are several other Republicans running in the primary but none of them are as mind numbingly stupid as Gohmert or Paxton and therefore do not have any chance of winning in the Republican primary.

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