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Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.

Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

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Re. Ryan Guillen switches to Republican Party

This past week Rep Ryan Guillen, formerly a Democrat in the Texas state legislature, switched allegiances to the Republican party.

"I have always known that I was a Republican from a young age. I used to play cowboys and Indians, and I would always pretend I was rounding up and separating Mexican families at the border. None of the other kids wanted to play with me." he said from his official ceremony swearing allegiance to the Republican party.

"The Democrat party does not represent the values I hold, mostly because my polling shows that there are more Republicans in my district, and if I lose re-election I will have to try and find a real job. I don't want to go back to working at Whataburger. That job is for Mexicans and Colored people." He said.

While his words may have offended some people, because it was said at an official Republican event, there were no Hispanics or African Americans present to be offended, except for Allen West, who sat in a roped off area reserved for the token minorities, quietly eating the watermelon and fried chicken provided for him by the Republican party.

President Trump even showed up for the official Republican swearing in. He went up on stage with Rep Guillen and promptly dropped his trousers, pulling out his orange manhood.

"Suck it" he said. And as a loudspeaker played Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" Rep. Guillen knelt down and sucked former President Trump's dick. After he stood and wiped off his mouth Trump proclaimed "It is done! He is now a real Republican, not like that RINO Adam Kinzinger. It's good to be the President. I'm still the President."

Governor Abbot, also present at the allegiance ceremony, fondly remembered the first time he sucked Trump's dick. "Just like old times." he said, as he wiped a tear from his eye.

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