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GREG ABBOT OUTLAWS BREAKFAST

Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.


Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

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Rep Krause Requests Legislature Review Porn in Schools

Representative Matt Krause (R- Fort Worth) sent a letter to the several school districts requesting that they supply information on a list of 850 books which he has deemed of questionable nature or material for students. These include books which may have references to LGBTQ issues and racial issues he deems inappropriate, or related to the recent public discourse about "critical race theory."


Some of these books include TeNahisi Coates' "Between the world and Me" and the 1967 Pulitzer winning "The Confessions of Nat Turner" by William Styron. Other books which he requested information on include "Chicken Fucking 101- For First Timers" and "Ouch- Not in That Hole!" by Greg Abbot.


In his letter to the school boards Rep. Krause said "These books contain questionable material which may be inappropriate for children and require review by old white men to determine if they follow God's plan and the Texas Legislatures plan."


When asked about his request Rep Krause said "Texas children shouldn't be learning about Chicken fucking and asshole rimming at school. These things should be taught by their parents, at home, like my parents taught me." He also said that he intended to personally review all materials on chicken fucking and animal sex in his office, discretely, of course, and had planned several long nights reviewing this material.


Several other Republican representative colleagues had also requested copies of any animal sex or pedophilia be forwarded to their offices for "detailed review", and Attorney General Ken Paxton said of the project "A review of the selected animal fucking materials requested by Rep Krause is underway and an active investigation may be forthcoming depending on whether the chickens were underage."


In addition to requests about chicken fucking and gay porn, Rep Krause also requested information on any books that may have indicated that a white person may have committed any wrong in the past. All books about World War 2 were requested which may have indicated that Hitler was a bad person, because it may offend the sensibilities of budding white nationalists. He also requested information on any books which implied that slavery was bed or that white people may have owned slaves. He excluded books about Jews owing slaves, saying "Jews don't count as white people, everybody knows that."


Of this request Rep. Krause said "People may have done some bad things in the past but it is important that we not learn about the past because then we won't know it we are repeating it. People shouldn't be made to feel bad for doing something bad- especially is they are white. I don't want my white babies learning about slavery in our public schools. I will have my negro housemaid teach my children about slavery."


Governor Abbot applauded the move, saying "Texas schools should concentrate on Math, English, History, and Science. The liberal, progressive agenda has no place in Texas public schools. They should leave the chicken fucking and hot man on man anal sex to the republican leadership and legislature where it belongs. "






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