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Greg Abbot has officially outlawed breakfast in Texas. He signed into law the "Heartbeat Act" allowing private citizens to sue anyone performing or aiding and abetting in the performance of an abortion.

He signed his new law on the capitol, steps and proclaimed "Texas has always been a Pro-Life state and this act reaffirms that. Now all these unwanted babies can grow up un squalor and desperation. They will commit untold crimes out of hopelessness and then we can sentence them to death. If they are black, anyways. We will always reinforce Texas Pro-Life values."

This law has had the unintended consequence of outlawing breakfast, however. It was apparently so rushed and poorly written that it does not apply only to humans, but to all creatures. Chicken farmers have been facing growing numbers of lawsuits seeking $10,000 in damages for each egg sold- ie: chicken abortions.

Jeb McCurdy- a chicken farmer outside of Tyler said of the new law "I can't afford the insurance to raise my chickens for eggs in Texas. Now all my chickens have to move to Louisiana or Oklahoma to lay their eggs for sale."

Eggs in Texas must be consumed before  yolk sac can be detected. Of course, yolks are the best part of the egg.

Reports from chicken farms in Louisiana and Oklahoma show they are overwhelmed by the increased need for egg laying services. "There's only so many eggs you can eat" one Louisiana resident said.

The Texas law also makes no exceptions for chicken rape or chicken incest. Governor Abbot proclaimed "This is not an issue because Texas has very strong laws against chicken rape and incest." It should be noted that this does not seem to be a credible deterrent since Greg Abbot and most Texas Republicans are indeed chicken fuckers.

Not all residents had bad things to say about the law, however. Tyson foods representative Cade McDowell said "We support this strong Pro-Chicken Life Law from Texas. More chickens will now be born and raised for the necessary 60-90 days to turn them into chicken nuggets."

On the other hand his wife, Lisa McDowell, also a Tyson spokeswoman, said "Fuck you, Greg Abbot, Tyson foods, and Cade McDowell- I'm outta here!."

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US Department of Justice Sues Texas Over Redistricting

Today Attorney General of the United States Merrick Garland sued Texas over new maps drawn up during it's latest round of redistricting. "The new maps drawn up by Texas violate the Voting Rights Act and strip representation from people of color in Texas" he said.

Texas grew significantly during the last census count and gained 2 seats in the new Congress, requiring new maps be drawn. Almost all of this growth was from Latinx, Asian, and African American populations, with more than a few Californians thrown in the mix. Despite this, the representation of these populations is expected to fall in Texas under the new maps.

Texas adopted substantially gerrymandered maps during the last legislative special session, lumping all 18,204,891 Asian, African American, and LatinX persons into 1 statewide district, while 36 other seats will consist of voting districts containing only white men. Texas carved out 1 district containing all Californians, and this district is expected to elect whoever Elon Musk supports on his Twitter feed.

Under recent laws adopted by the legislature also restricting abortion, women on Texas no longer have any right to vote. While their unborn children have been granted "Personhood", the new laws strip "Personhood" from women.

Of the lawsuit, Governor Abbot said "This is the same old thing the intrusive federal government has been doing since 1861. They try to give darkies the vote and we take it away. It's just a game we play."

Ken Paxton announced he would vigorously defend the state of Texas against the lawsuit. "Texas has never surrendered against the Northern Aggressor and will defend our rights to allow representation to those who we deem fit. Namely, really old white men. We never surrendered in 1861 and we will not surrender now. We won then, and we will win now. We did win then, didn't we?"

Other Attorney General hopefuls in Texas also chimed in. When Louis Gohmert was asked about the news he said "What?" and later said after doing his research he believes that the US Department of Justice is not real, like climate change.

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